SOMETIMES WISHES ARE ANSWERED QUICKLY

Yesterday Phil said, "I wish we could have gospel discussions with the kids. I really would love that."

Today, Kraut and Soap Queen and kids came over for leftovers because they have been installing a new floor in the living room and it was either come here to eat or starve. Now I could starve for a good long time and no one would even notice but the kids, and their parents, too, would drop like flies.

As the day progressed I was getting sick. And then sicker. Phil helped me put food out, I tried not to touch anything--he cut the turkey and ham, I just stirred things and put stuff in the oven. After dinner Kraut and Soap Queen, Phil and I sat in the living room. I was bundled up like a mummy. We talked and the subject of the gospel came up and we talked for over an hour. I looked at Phil and smiled. He was loving it. And I was loving the kids, that they granted his wish without even knowing about it.

Sometimes life just throws unexpected good things your way and sometimes we even have the good sense to recognize it. Like today.

WALKING IN STARLIGHT

When I chose the title, "Walking in Starlight," I was a little perplexed. Why did it speak to me so strongly? What did it mean? I had no idea. I thought it was just a random title and I liked the way it sounded. That was four days ago. Today, as I was driving, I thought, "We are all walking in starlight." We are down here on earth, cut off from our Father in Heaven, or at least we think we are cut off because we can't see or hear him and so we are living our lives basically in the dark, or in starlight, compared to where we came from.

My goal in the next few months--or maybe it will take me a few years--is to learn all I can about faith. I am also going to listen to a Conference talk on the computer, hopefully every day. I will read one too--maybe the same one--in the Ensign and study the scriptures. I want to be able to live my life in starlight as if it were noonday. That will come as I learn more about my Father, as I come to know I am not walking alone.

AVOIDING A FIGHT

Today Phil came into the house and said, "I saved you."

I said, "What? You saved me? Don't you mean, you saved 'us'?"

"No, you," he said.

"Oh, thank you, then," I said as I came toward him. I put my hands on his arm and caressed him. He smiled for just a minute until he realized my hands were dripping wet.

He said, "Hey," and pulled away but I wasn't finished, I reached up and cupped his face. By now he's laughing.

He put his cold fingers on his neck.

We laughed together and then I gave him a saucy look and went back into the kitchen to finish getting dinner and he went downstairs.

This might have turned out so differently. I might have said other things, like "we are in this together, buster and don't you forget it!"

And then he would have retaliated and there might have been a fight. A fight over NOTHING!

I'm glad we were silly instead. It was much more fun and then after dinner he read to me while I wrapped caramels and then I read to him while he wrapped caramels. When he read he inserted words to see if I were paying attention and they made the text very interesting. If we had fought earlier I would have wrapped alone and he would have been alone downstairs and it would have been a miserly, lonely evening.

DAY ONE: A JOURNAL OF MY THOUGHTS

This morning--the first day after Day Light Savings Time went back to the winter schedule--I was up earlier than usual and Phil was still home. Usually he has gone to the BYU ward where he serves as ward clerk. I was happy to see him. He has such goodness. He is changing his life, teensy little bits at a time--so small you can't tell--but I see him as a different person than the one I married. He is deeper, more committed to doing what he feels is right, nicer--not that he was ever mean--, and loves me more than I think he did in the beginning.

Loving me more is a puzzle because I'm certainly not the girl he married. I've changed too, and not always for the good. What I wouldn't do to be the weight I was when I was married and yet I must not want it enough. At least not yet. I see wrinkles coming. I'm not as joyful. Why is that, I wonder? I know more, have more faith, understand God and the Savior better--which, I admit, is tiny knowledge but I'm working on it--and so I should be more joyful. I think one of the reasons I'm not is that I'm not surrounded by children. I loved having my children at home. I miss them every day.

So, Phil was still here when I got up and I asked him to give me a priesthood blessing. It was a wonderful blessing and now I need to exercise my faith. I know faith is the key to so many things, perhaps to all good things.

I am contemplating faith. I think I will start a study on faith. One sentence in the First Presidency Message, in the Ensign, by President Uchtdorf said: "Faith is such a principle of power. We need this source of power in our lives. God works by power, but this power is usually exercised in response to our faith. 'Faith without works is dead' (James 2:20). God works according to the faith of His children." This is the beginning of my study of faith. This paragraph had power for me. I've read it ten times or more in three days and have read his entire article twice. I will read it again and again. There is depth and truth in this article.

I am grateful that I have the knowledge I have, to live where I do, to have been born to the parents that I was and to have been raised by the parents that I was--one different than the birth one.

I am working to understand my birth dad, working through it in a Young Adult novel. Maybe what I'm working on understanding myself. It's painful because I have not even one tiny glimmer of a memory of him and do have lots of pain and resentment, which I hope to work through in this novel. I believe in the power of writing, whether with a computer or by hand.

So, today, this Sunday, the most special day of the week, I am starting this blog, just for myself, with no other purpose than to listen to my own thoughts and hopefully to understand myself a little better. Perhaps by listening to myself I will be able to have more peace and become a better person, too.