DAY ONE: A JOURNAL OF MY THOUGHTS

This morning--the first day after Day Light Savings Time went back to the winter schedule--I was up earlier than usual and Phil was still home. Usually he has gone to the BYU ward where he serves as ward clerk. I was happy to see him. He has such goodness. He is changing his life, teensy little bits at a time--so small you can't tell--but I see him as a different person than the one I married. He is deeper, more committed to doing what he feels is right, nicer--not that he was ever mean--, and loves me more than I think he did in the beginning.

Loving me more is a puzzle because I'm certainly not the girl he married. I've changed too, and not always for the good. What I wouldn't do to be the weight I was when I was married and yet I must not want it enough. At least not yet. I see wrinkles coming. I'm not as joyful. Why is that, I wonder? I know more, have more faith, understand God and the Savior better--which, I admit, is tiny knowledge but I'm working on it--and so I should be more joyful. I think one of the reasons I'm not is that I'm not surrounded by children. I loved having my children at home. I miss them every day.

So, Phil was still here when I got up and I asked him to give me a priesthood blessing. It was a wonderful blessing and now I need to exercise my faith. I know faith is the key to so many things, perhaps to all good things.

I am contemplating faith. I think I will start a study on faith. One sentence in the First Presidency Message, in the Ensign, by President Uchtdorf said: "Faith is such a principle of power. We need this source of power in our lives. God works by power, but this power is usually exercised in response to our faith. 'Faith without works is dead' (James 2:20). God works according to the faith of His children." This is the beginning of my study of faith. This paragraph had power for me. I've read it ten times or more in three days and have read his entire article twice. I will read it again and again. There is depth and truth in this article.

I am grateful that I have the knowledge I have, to live where I do, to have been born to the parents that I was and to have been raised by the parents that I was--one different than the birth one.

I am working to understand my birth dad, working through it in a Young Adult novel. Maybe what I'm working on understanding myself. It's painful because I have not even one tiny glimmer of a memory of him and do have lots of pain and resentment, which I hope to work through in this novel. I believe in the power of writing, whether with a computer or by hand.

So, today, this Sunday, the most special day of the week, I am starting this blog, just for myself, with no other purpose than to listen to my own thoughts and hopefully to understand myself a little better. Perhaps by listening to myself I will be able to have more peace and become a better person, too.